My personal life has fallen downhill since June.
I've been having less and less hyperistic bouts.
And more depressive bouts.
And I'm starting to realize how much I benefited from the hyperistic ones.
I was happy.
I still have them, but not often.
I am trying to take care of myself.
But it's hard when all you want to do is lay in bed all day.
And it's especially hard, since school has started, not to break down into tears in my classes. I try to find simple things that amuse me there, which keep my distracted. But always by the end of the day, I get so sad.
I have problems eating.
I don't want to at all.
I've lost 5 five pounds these last four days.
I've been busying myself though with my bird and 16 caterpillars I'm raising. I like the feeling of how my little bird loves me and is always happy to see me. And I like how the caterpillars are not as dependent on me and that their lives are short lived and simple ones. These small independent beings don't really on so much as to go through their lives happily. Otherwise us people, need so much and are more complexed as beings. And that all of us need certain qualities to really live on. It is never noticed, that we need other people. That we really on them as we are social beings.
Yet, when you really need this necesity, all you want to do is be alone. To where you lock your door and never come out. When I'm lonely, I never help myself by doing so. I just want to fade away. Just gradually. Yet I feel like I am when I walk through life with my peers. If I continue to do these rituals, like not eating and isolating myself from everyone, that is what will eventually happen. I'm never truely happy anymore. I have my moments, but they're breif.
I have been taking my medication.
But my OCD has worsened itself.
Now I'm starting to have the most well know rituals.
I shower almost 3 times a day now, wash my hands almost 3 times a day, and I'm fretting about everything twice as much. I missed two days of school last week and I'm scared something will go horribly wrong because of it tomorrow. And I can't hardly take it if I get chewed out about my absenses this early in the year. Its been four weeks since school started, and that has been a record for me.

I make good grades in school, have a supportive family, a wonderful amount of friends, why am I so sad? I've been getting simple pleasures by lots of people, I get told I'm beautiful and that I'm sweet. And I know plenty of people that want to be with me. And I refuse, because I'm already with someone. I still love the attention I recieve though.
Even with that knowledge, I'm still miserable.
I hang onto the negatives and obsess over all the words that have been said over the years. The memory of them is photographic. And it keeps me sad. I hate my obsessive mind. It brings back the worst. Tortures me and makes me unhappy. And the cause of all my physical problems: Depression. I miss my ADHD hyperactivity. When the constant bouts of that made me happy. I've been sad for the longest time.
And over these passed several days;
I've really not been happy.
I finally realized my immaturity.
It was a slap in the face.

And as for my work on deviantART, it's slowing down.